It’s a really awkward feeling to know that you’re simply trying to escape from time. When you long for something you cannot have yet – if ever. There is a peace missing. Peace only comes when we accept the present. When the present is looked upon with love. But love is an immensely exhausting task – especially if done right. Real love does not expect reciprocity. But oh how we long for it. In the moments when we are alone and feel a void, it is the inability to express this love that overtakes us. At least, I hope it’s an “us” and that I’m not alone in this world. I’ll take what I can get in regards to love, friendship or just plain attention. But I’m having to learn patience. Unfortunately, patience in one area drains from another. There is only so much work a brain can do at a time. I hope I can strengthen this with practice.
I love, but I do not expect love back. What a strange thing for me. When I look back in a few decades, perhaps it won’t seem strange at all. Perhaps all of the other things I’ve called love were simply part of the learning process. After all, I have been wrong about love and so many other things before. Here I am, still feeling like a boy but starting to look like a man and I battle discontentment as hard as ever.
So here I am sitting, just trying to escape from time. But I long to spend that time in a way that I choose – but, I do not have the ability to choose any longer. At least not without grave consequences. It’s not a matter of what should I do. It’s about what do I feel like doing. It’s almost all an abstraction anyways.