I used to play on stages. Nothing big, but I had a few practices in a week and then a small show. The problem was that it was always too loud on stage. My ears would ring for hours afterwards. I also would destroy my vocal cords and have to take breaks a few times a year. Now, I can hit most of those notes without problems. I also used to pay about as much to get to and from a show as it would make me to play it. Now, I have the funds to do so without issue, but no excuse to do it.

Contrary to what many people may have thought (or still think), I never wanted to be famous. I only wanted to create. And I’ve always been passive, so I never would have made it big without being a puppet. Now, I still play other people’s music every weekend, but that’s not art to me. It’s just a quick, fun job – when there’s a band to play with. Without a full band, it feels empty and boring. There’s something special about synchronizing yourself with others to create a product far bigger than any one of you.

I love the emergence.

Even now, I just purchased a new studio and am looking for a new computer to record again. Just for fun. I hope I can help others too. Many kids would go far if given a shot early on. I’d like to help them.

By the way, just finished Bohemian Rhapsody so that’s why this is on my mind. Good night world.

Throughout the past several years, Thich Nhat Hahn’s Peace is Every Step has been there to pick me up when I get in ruts. As several of the past posts have demonstrated, I’m in one. The funny thing about this tiny book is that it clearly shows why simply breathing and smiling make you feel happier. Meanwhile, everything else you think is important or you worry about or get bored of or want more of – it always seems to fail. I’m no saint or monk, but the truth doesn’t care about what I am or you are. It’s just there. The truth is what is. I believe it is ontologically existent in the world and not simply a social idea. The reason? Because it is a relationship between objects, namely us humans and other humans/objects.

The trouble I have with this truth is that I fall so short of being peaceful all the time. I let myself and others down. I try to hard. And all I need to do is just let go and just be. It’s hard because I like to think I orchestrate my own life. But really, we are all tied together with each other and everything else in existence in what Thich calls “inter-being.” We are connected and dependent upon each other and everything.

Started this book today! Super excited about it because it has practical advise for making the world a better place. I’ll probably post something about it on my main blog though. Also, just got back from TN and looking forward to DiGiorno pizza

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I hate finding my own limitations. A lot of the time I think we humans imagine ourselves to be just like characters from fantasy. The only limitations placed on them is by the author. Maybe that’s why we get appalled with the god of their story mutilates them or weakens them. How can they do that to their creation?

But real life sucks and we would despise a perfect character – because we have no hope of obtaining that existence. We all yearn for utopia; we all know it’s impossible (those old enough, at least).

What would you think of yourself if you lacked the ability to feel pleasure? Nothing really brought any excitement to you. You just encountered all things in a narrow spectrum of pleasure. That’s what it’s like now for me. I think it’s partly from the medicine I’ve been on and partly from just growing older and colder. I don’t feel like a bad person, only a tired person with no escape rope. I see my future and it’s so plain. It’s better than negative, surely, but it’s also a reminder that I have limitations in my life.