Two nights ago I had a dream that had a girl I have never met and we hit it off and I felt those “love” feelings before I woke up. It’s terrible to wake from those dreams because they are the only thing more make believe than reality. I also went to Australia with a girl and ended up on stage without a clue as to what I should play. Last night I had a dream my father died somehow and one girl who I used to confide in was a jerk while my ex was kind and sympathetic as a friend (no “love” feelings, just appreciation). Then today I had a horrible time on stage trying to play guitar with this IV in my arm all taped up and being sick so my voice went out badly at one point. But to make it all better, I learned that Dean Lewis is 31 and just dropped his first album and he’s awesome. Maybe I will get back into the studio next winter when school is done. Also, started learning to play violin and I suck horribly right now. I wonder if I will keep it up? Learning a new instrument always make you feel vulnerable because of how horrible at it you are. But I guess it’s the same with everything. Oh yeah and the IV comes out Tuesday morning if all goes well! Sheesh… 20 days by then…
Last Friday, my wife and I had another couple for a games night which usually consists of a board game and several alcoholic drinks. This time, we never got to any game itself and we went into theological and philosophical discussions. My wife, however, tucked a bottle of wine under her arm and got into it alone (she is terribly bored by these subjects for her own reasons).
The know about the time I declared I didn’t believe in God. That was years ago and they politely challenged me to go over that position again. I’ve been silent for years about it because I work part time at a church. I can’t afford to lose my job either. My family is counting on me. I also can’t be completely honest with myself either because I don’t want to be cornered.
I decided a while ago to be satisfied with being politely quiet on the issue. There’s the contemplative view that allows me to escape directly answering questions like that. It keeps me safe and uncornered. My honest answer is, “I want to believe in God, but claim to be agnostic until I can satisfactorily answer the question publicly.” Well, it is true… to an extent. I actually have an answer, but I will keep it to myself for the time being.
In the meantime, between all the work and school work, I’m going to work on expositing my position for myself and hopefully others.
I’m struggling to get through this book. There’s laundry to be done, dishes piled up and a crap ton of emails I didn’t get to at work today just calling to me from my laptop. I’d rather be wasting my time playing Stardew Valley on my phone or watching some more on season one of One Piece.
But hey, it’s sleeping outside and I’m toasty and getting caffeinated off of green tea and ginger. Not too shabby (if the little people would stay asleep).
Tried to get a rental from Enterprise today without success. My wife’s van got a preliminary estimate of $5,646 of damage to it last Wednesday…. and we’re still sharing one car to go four places in the morning. We keep joking that we’ll need to get divorce lawyers if the rental doesn’t work out soon! (Side not: how the hell does the phone autocorrect “divorce” to “socioeconomic”????? That’s just trying a little too hard, Siri.)
And… yep. That’s about it. Overall, the day has gone well for me with little to complain of.
I’m sitting on my meditation pillows trying to read the Odyssey (a little over 300 pages in this version) before midnight Wednesday. I’m not even on page 30. Ugh how I wish I could keep my attention on the task at hand. Instead I eat to barely stay awake to read 3 pages before I pass out. I’m struggling.
1 year and that masters in done…. I’ve officially been a student for 25 years when I exclude the 2 years I took breaks. A quarter century learning, another using that knowledge, and another to forget it all. Might even get a bonus round at the end, but who knows. Right now, I’m trying to pronounce Greek names (mans struggling even though I took a years work of Greek before!
Life is never like the songs you used to sing.
Sometimes chasing cars means not wanting to say goodbye instead of being lost together with your love.
When we are young, we love magic. When we are old, we love ghosts. Neither truly exists in the present. Both are wanting more than is possible.
I was supposed to be reading Gilgamesh when I flipped over to some Love Poems from the Ramesside period of 1300-1100 BCE. One describes a girl’s shyness over a boy who rides in on his horse. Another is a boy’s depressed state that he blames on his love (he says he’ll feign terminal illness just so she’ll see him one last time). Yet another describes how a girl will seduce a boy by getting him to go swim with him while she wears her new sheer swimsuit from Memphis.
Love is a biological thing I guess. When I was younger, I never would have admitted it. It seems so real – like the most real thing that could exist. But it’s all hormones and emotions tied into a drive to keep the species going while providing an existential excuse to continue on through the hardships of life. Not a bad bargain I guess. And yet it sucks to see life through the eyes of wisdom. Know why the Teacher in Ecclesiastes sounds so depressing? Because wisdom is depressing when viewed with temporal human eyes. That’s why love appeals to us. It causes us to go beyond ourselves. The mountains at sunrise, the roar of the beach, the completion of a song, and the best paintings in the world – these all draw people beyond theirselves. They point to the existence of things beyond the mind of mankind. This is where my ontology meets reality. This is why it matters and how I can agree with Graham Harman about the centrality of aesthetics in philosophy (although I not as strongly).
But seriously, love hasn’t changed because it’s tied to human nature – every magnificent moment and every damned disaster.
My daughter insisted on watching it this morning and I am blown away that there were thousands of people standing in 6 degree F weather, listening to intentionally exaggerated parodies of songs dedicated to a ground hog…. but hey they sure made it a fun all nighter for those people marking it off their bucket list!
At least I can mark it off my list for watching it on TV.
I’m laying on my bed, getting a crick in my neck, reading over OOO’s theory of politics and social order. It’s quite interesting and claims to line up with Bruno Latour’s current position. I hope that’s correct because I wouldn’t know otherwise.
You see, I’ve always neglected politics because I was so caught up in trying to understand the world around me and myself (and God at one looooonnnnnggg point), so I didn’t care to try and control the world. I felt it was like operating heavy machinery without knowing what I was operating. The good news is – no one knows precisely what they are talking about, but luckily science has stepped in to help.
I’m still listening though this book and even went and got the hardback on Sunday. I’m loving it. But it’s also making me want to take action and I’m not so good with that due to my tormenting level of introversion.
Also, I’m kind of pissed that I wasn’t educated about the last 50 years of history while I was in high school. I’m directly effects by that part of history as much is not more than the major points beforehand! I’m learning so much about desegregation in America (as well as other major themes) from Kleinfeld’s book that I feel ashamed for being so ignorant in my early 30s.
I would love to study more Gandhi and King too. There are factors that made their movements work while many others fail. We have to study what works and make policies with that knowledge rather than making policies from dirty deals, back stage bargains, and party politics. We use the scientific method in most everything now, so why do we shirk it when it comes to our political opinion? That’s lazy and dangerous.
Ignorance will kill us all unless we learn to bear the truth bravely.
It’s amazing what you can do with a pencil.
You can draw a new world, write a new story, or compose a new song.
A pencil is a source of power with the limited ability to reverse what has already occurred.
It can connect you to your friends, your enemies, your loves.
You can plead for help or demand a ransom.
It needs no more energy than your hands can provide.
You can change the world with a pencil, if you only know how to yield it.